Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve has always been important to me, maybe even more so than Christmas itself. I became excited for it as soon as they put up the lights around the city. I would force my mother to bring me along when she went out shopping to find gifts for my friends. As well as decorating the Christmas tree, I would take one day out of the weekend before the holiday itself to decorate my room and the whole house. The dinner I had with my family in the evening was something I looked forward to for the entire year. The anticipation coats everything with a glittering sheen that is gone come Christmas morning.

So, this was a special occasion to me and I needed to look good. That morning, like I would have in any other Christmas Eve morning, I dressed in a white sweater, white tights and a red pinafore and I put a red headband on. I put on the red lipstick I had bought with my friend Mona, especially for this day. She thought I was being silly; at the age of fourteen you’re supposed to get over holiday excitement. I smiled to her and told her that it was just something that made me happy. I was making excuses. It meant a lot more to me than that. I wasn’t necessarily something sacred. The anticipation itself filled me with enormous glee. I smiled in the mirror as I was fixing the little imperfections I noticed.

I glanced outside. It hadn’t snowed yet, but I was hopeful. I went downstairs and turned on the radio in the living room to hear the Christmas tunes that everyone was starting to get sick of at that point. My parents were in the kitchen drinking their usual morning coffee. My mother found me looking through our record collection for the holiday albums I was saving for later in the day.

“What’d you put your lipstick on for? You still have to eat breakfast.”

We chuckled over it, then sat down at the kitchen table together. I had asked them to put up some lights even there, on the fridge and in the windows, which I had also decorated with tinsel. As soon as I finished my eggs, my mom lowered herself to my level, looking me right in the eyes, said:

“Cecilia, honey, why don’t you go buy some tangerines from the corner store?”

“I don’t really feel like it right now. Maybe later?”

“No, they’re closing earlier today. I’ll let you keep the change, how about that?”
I smiled, meaning that I would go and snatched the money she took out of her pocket. She knew from the start that when I told her no, I rarely meant it. We liked playing this little game. I rushed to the entrance hall, put on my coat and my boots and ran off.

The cold stung my face. I pushed my hands as far as my coat’s pockets would go and buried my chin in it. Still, I wasn’t walking too fast, I still wanted to admire the neighbors’ house decorations while they were still exciting. Back then, I used to judge people based on how much they accepted the Christmas spirit in their hearts. That’s how I spotted my friend Mona across the street. I waved towards her and she sprinted towards me right before a car sped up the road.

“You shouldn’t have done that, it’s dangerous!” I scolded her.

“Come one, I’m fine, so what does it matter?”

I rolled my eyes and asked: “Did you get sent to the corner store too?”

“Oh, no, I was just taking a little stroll, but I’ll come with you.”

“Say, what are your plans for tonight?”

“Oh, you know, nothing special. Maybe I’ll watch a movie or something.”

“Same here.”

The store was half empty, as if it had been sacked by a band of robbers. Fortunately for me, the tangerines had been mostly spared. Both me and Mona took as many as we could in our hands and carried them to the checkout. The clerk put them into a paper bag.

“You girls are in luck, we are closing in fifteen minutes.”

Turned out, I wasn’t so lucky after all, since I was left with no change.

Right before we got to Mona’s house, out of nowhere she asked me:

“Ceci, is your brother coming home today?”

I was struck. I had nothing to say. I had no idea. Nobody knew. I just shrugged and shook my head. She pursed her lips and looked into the direction opposite of me until we arrived in front of her house.

“Say hi to your parents for me, ok? See you!” I followed her until she entered, then I went about my way.

When I arrived home, my parents were in the living room, watching TV. My mom came to help me with the bag.

“Oh honey, this is way too many tangerines! I’ll make you some tea, how about that?”

“Bring it to my room please!”

I was lying on the bed, reading a book when I head a knock on my door.

“Come in!”

My dad walked in with a cup in his left hand and my holiday records under his right arm. He put on my nightstand, the records on the floor. then he sat next to me. Instead of tea, he had brought me hot cocoa. I shoved my book away, grabbed the cup and took a sip. I pointed to the cup, tilted my head towards him and blinked really fast, which was my way of asking him if he wanted some of what I was having. He waved his finger to say no.

“I love what you did with the room this year, Ceci. Actually, the whole house looks just lovely. You’re really starting to get the hang of it. I see a future in interior decoration for you!”

“Maybe!” I said, in-between giggles. I obviously had no idea what I wanted to do later in life and didn’t feel like pondering over it.

“You want anything else?”

“Sure, I’d like a few of those tangerines.”

“Right away!” He liked to salute like a soldier after me or my mom asked him to do something. He picked up one of the records and put in on. “Let’s liven up the mood a little bit! I’ll call you if there’s a good movie on TV, ok?”

For a while, I didn’t know what to do with myself, I couldn’t focus on one single thing. I’d try to read, or stare out my window or run downstairs to see what my parents were up to, then go back to my room again. I let time pass by without doing anything specific. Really, I was just enjoying the Christmas atmosphere, the sound of the music, the colors from the lights in my room and on the neighbors’ houses.

I was laying on the floor on one side, head resting on my hand, mindlessly flipping through the pages of a magazine. I was thinking which other magazine I should pull out from my stash, when I heard some commotion coming from downstairs. Immediately after, I heard a voice shouting “Ceci!”. I jumped on feet and ran down the stairs so fast I almost tripped. There he was: after I hadn’t seen him for over a year, my brother Paul was standing in front of me.

His appearance had changed so drastically that, had he passed me down the street, I might not have recognized him. His hair grew to his shoulders and he had a beard now. He was wearing a bandana and a fur trimmed suede coat with a multi-color shirt underneath. In that moment, I thought he was the coolest person I had ever seen.

“Look who decided to show up.” My dad said, standing in the lobby with his arms crossed. I thought there’d be more excitement in his voice, but I paid it no mind.

With a huge smile on his face, my brother said: “And it feels great to be home! I have so many things to tell you.”, after which he hung his coat on the rack and walked into the kitchen. I followed him.

“Oh man, I need a hot drink. Let’s make some coffee, Ceci!”

“You know mom won’t let me have any!”

“That’s alright, it’s Christmas, I’m letting you have some.”

I took a quick glance back at the entrance. My parents were whispering things to each other. There was something about the way they were standing there, so still, that made me somewhat nervous. It was an unfamiliar and unexpected sight. I assumed they would’ve jumped with joy seeing him just as I did. I simply brushed it off as one of the many things my parents did that I didn’t understand.

“Children, can you please come to the living room?” my mom asked. Her voice sounded calm, yet from the way she accented the word “children”, I knew she was upset about something.

“Just a moment, mom!” Paul seemed unfazed.

After storming around the kitchen looking for the cup he had gifted me on my tenth birthday, he filled it with coffee then handed it to me, patted me on the back, then exited the kitchen. His movements were energetic and eager. I waited for moment, looking into the dark liquid. I took a sip of it. It was bitter. I hated it. I put the cup on the kitchen table, then left for the living room.

“Did you do the tree, Ceci? Looks groovy!”

“Thank you!” I hugged him and hopped on the couch, curious to hear what he had to tell us.

My parents were still standing. My brother was standing too. I sat my head on the armrest. I figured the conversation wasn’t going to be fun. For a minute or so, no one said a word. My dad was the one who finally broke the ice:

“Son, we need to have a serious talk.”

“Yeah, I said I was going to tell you everything, didn’t I? Man, the traffic on the way here was out of this world, I thought I’d never make it. I actually left yesterday night and…”

“Listen, I’m not interested in traffic. What I want to know is how you think you can just walk in here after we didn’t hear anything from you for one entire year? And pretend like that is a normal thing to do?” I had never heard my father speak in such a furious tone of voice.

I flinched. I raised my head. Our father had never spoken like this before. I wasn’t sure how to react, so I remained speechless in my spot. My brother’s face showed no signs of being bothered, though, his smile as wide as it was back in the kitchen.

“I realize everything seems a little weird to you two, but I promise it all makes sense. I’ve been to so many different places this year and I’ve seen so many things. I feel like I’ve learned more about the world than I have my entire life. And to think it started off with something as simple as…”

“Paul, sweetie, are you going to the barber’s? It’s probably going to be closed tomorrow, but if gandma and grandpa or your uncle and aunt decided to show up, you need to look your best.”

“What’s wrong with how I look?”

“Well you have to admit that it’s at least a little unusual.”

“And what’s wrong with that?”

Paul, who had looked our parents right in the eyes up until that moment, was looking out the window. I wanted to say that I loved his new look, and tell everyone to stop fighting on this very important day, but my mouth wouldn’t open.

“Son, all we want is to understand this, frankly, bizarre behavior of yours. We just don’t recognize you at all.”

“Well, if you let me say what I want to say, you’d understand. That’s the problem with you people, you’re so close minded. You must think I’ve gone crazy or something, but there’s so many other people like me and we’ve figured out that, that everything’s bullshit, ok? And we want no part of it.”

“Really?” my mom intervened. “Is college bullshit and that’s why dropped out? Please come to your senses, Paul!”

“Excuse me for not wanting to be a cog in the machine and, like you people! Some of us want to get a little more out of life.”

“Is that how you talk to you mother? Apologize this instant!”

“Paul, honey, this isn’t like you. If you’re under the influence of drugs, we’ll do anything to help you. Please, just stop acting like this. I am, no, we are really concerned.”

“Some sick people got some stupid ideas in your head. And to think we were so worried about you when you were just wasting precious time kicking it with God knows what bums.”

Paul’s lips were open, as if he wanted to say something. He started fidgeting with his hands and staring into the floor. I couldn’t read him at all. Mom and dad were both standing hands crossed, stern expressions, waiting for an answer.

“You know what, I don’t have to go along with what you tell me. All I wanted was for us to have dinner together, for Christmas, for Ceci. You just had to go ahead and ruin it.”

The room went quiet again. My heart was racing, but I didn’t dare do something to draw attention to myself. I imagined (or rather hoped) the tension would ease, that my parents and my brother would put their conflict aside to enjoy the holiday. That everything would fine in the end.

“Ceci, why don’t we leave these two losers behind and have a beautiful celebration together with my friends?”

It all happened so fast. My brother grabbed my hand and tried dragging me out of the living room. I was so surprised by this that I had no reaction. He moved me around like a rag doll. My father came up from behind, caught him by the shoulders and wrapped his arm around his neck. My brother let go of hand and I fell on the floor.

“Don’t you dare lay your filthy hands on her!”

My mother helped me get up, hugging me and caressing my head. My brother freed himself from my father’s grip. For a moment, he stood in the same spot in the lobby that I had found him earlier when he arrived. I heard him whisper something, but I couldn’t make out exactly what. He put on his coat and slammed the front door behind him as he left. I watched him go through the living room window. My cheeks were burning. I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer.

“Listen to me, Ceci. If your brother tries to contact you in any way, please let us know.” My mother’s looked tired. “Now, I’m going to start preparing the food. You stay here and watch some TV, alright?”

I just nodded my head. My father had already sat on the couch and kept changing the channel. I sat next to him.

“I’m sorry about Paul. I’m sure he’ll return to normal at some point, don’t worry.”

We didn’t talk about the incident after that. I did bring it up to Mona that evening on the phone, from phone in the lobby, while my parents were watching TV. She was just as shocked as I was; for almost a minute after I told her everything, she was silent. Dinner was fine, uneventful. We were all trying to act innocuous, pretending nothing had happened. We ended up not talking much at all.

When I woke up the next morning, my head felt heavy. I was sincerely grateful for the presents I found under the tree and when I thanked my mother and father, I meant it. But there was something missing. It felt as though a spell had been broken. I sat in my room by myself almost the entire day, laying in bed and not doing much of anything. I waited until sundown, but it didn’t snow after all.

My parents were hesitant to bring up my brother in any capacity. Not just during the holidays or until the new year, but for years to come. I couldn’t quite understand why at first, but I later came to understand that they thought he had gone down a dangerous path. Perhaps, because the way he wanted to live his life was so different to what they perceived as the right way to go about things.

Paul and I didn’t see or speak to each other at all until I graduated high school. We did reconnect when I went to college. I had enrolled in the same college he had and he happened to visit campus one time to visit a friend who had begun teaching there. He had no intention on coming back home. It was reasonable, I suppose, but in my heart, I wished he did. I never told my parents that I was seeing my brother regularly, not even after I moved out and got a job.

I was walking down the street. I looked around at the Christmas lights, the Christmas decorations all over the city, through the store windows. I should have hurried up, but I was strolling at the lowest pace I could, just to look at all these things. The feeling these things used to spark inside is still in there, somewhere. The place I was heading to was my brother’s apartment. Specifically, to the Christmas Eve party that actually took place on the 23^rd. He did this specifically so I could go back home on the 24^th and spend it with our folks. We liked to joke that I was a winner, since now I had two Christmas Eves.

It was only us two, three of his friends and their girlfriends, but the apartment felt cramped. Everyone is talking and laughing at the same time. Someone turned on MTV really loud. I needed a moment to take breath, so I went to the kitchen. The ceiling light was turned off, the room is only lit by the Christmas lights. I’m surprised to find Paul there, smoking.

“I thought you went to the bathroom.”

“Those guys are a lot, I needed a moment to charge my batteries.”

“Same here. I was actually thinking of going home.”

“Right, you need to get some sleep for tomorrow.”

For a moment, neither of us says anything.

“I think you should come with me.” He half-smiles, like he always does when someone says a bad joke. “I’m completely serious. I think it’s time to move on.”

“Move on? Ceci, in case you forgot, those people threw me out. All these years and they never, ever, tried to contact me. And I didn’t even do anything!”

“I know, I just, I don’t know, I wish we could put this past us. At least try to.”

Paul puts out his cigarette, then said:

“If you’ll excuse me, I have some guests to entertain. Come join us if you want.” After which he left for the living room.

I knew it was wrong to insist on this, so I sat down at the table and poured myself a glass of water. Candy colored light was flooding the kitchen from all sides. I could hear laughter from the other room and someone had turned the music even louder. I expected a neighbor to come knocking on the front door at any moment. Spending a little more time with Paul’s friends before leaving didn’t seem like a bad idea, since I wasn’t feeling especially tired.

Three people were sitting on the couch, two girls and one guy in the middle. Another guy is sitting on the floor. The third couple is sharing the armchair, she’s sitting on his lap. There’s beer bottles covering the entire surface coffee table.

“Where’s Paul?”

“Ceci, you gotta take a look at this dude, is this the one you said you liked?” the guy on the floor said while pointing to the blonde man singing and dancing on the TV.

“Oh yeah, I love this guy.”

After the video ended, I went to knock on Paul’s bedroom door.

“You there? It’s me!”

“Come in!”

His bed was a mess as usual. He was sitting on the floor, back against the bed. I sat down next to him.

“Where you in here the whole time? What happened to entertaining the guests?”

“I needed some time to think.”

“Oh really? About what?”

“Look, it’s not like I haven’t thought about trying to reach out to them. I was waiting for you to come one day and say ‘Hey, they said they’re sorry. Everything’s good now!’. It never crossed my mind to be one making the first step.”

He reached out and grabbed the phone on his nightstand and placed it between us.

“Go ahead, call them.”

“Look, I realized it was a stupid idea to say that, you really don’t have to do this.”

“I want to. If it doesn’t work out, hey, at least I can finally have some resolution.”

He took the receiver and I typed the number out. And then we waited.

“Hello, this is Eugene, who am I speaking to?”

“Hello, uhm, hi… Hi dad, it’s me, Paul. I was wondering, I mean, I was talking to Cecilia. And she said that if I wanted to come to dinner tomorrow night, it’d be fine. Is it? I mean, would that be alright with you? And mom?”

Dad didn’t respond right away. We could hear him breathing over the phone.

“Sure, son. You know, your mom was telling me the other day how good it’d be to see you again. The table looks empty with just three people, that’s what she said.”

“Sounds like something she’d say.”

“Right. We ere going to ask your sister to call you, but I’m glad you did it yourself. I really am. Anyways, have you cut your hair?”

Paul suddenly put his palm over the transmitter and whispered:

“What did you tell them?”

“Nothing at all, I swear.” I responded, raising my hands in the air.

“I’d never cut my hair!”, he said as he got back to dad.

“That’s alright. I’m telling your mother that you’ll be here. See you tomorrow!”

Dad tried to speak in calm manner, but his voice was shaky. He was the one who ended the call.

My brother and I looked at each other and shrugged. I, at the very least, was ready for whatever would happen. I was suddenly overtaken with immense curiosity. I was so excited for the next day, for the road there, for everyone’s reactions. And maybe things would turn out wonderful, or they’d turn into a disaster. I hoped everything would be fine, I wasn’t sure it would be. We just had to wait and see. And the part where you’re waiting is the best anyways.